Author : Paul Cutright
Kevin apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment.
It was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she
wasn't really upset, just frustrated and disappointed.But Kevin sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed
forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say,
but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on.
Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.Emotional IncongruenceEmotional authenticity--acknowledging your true
feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution.
Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence:
denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either
intentionally or not.Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've
learned to be guarded because dropping the mask and being
emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In the
heat of the moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and
vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they
can be and how important they are to building trust and
compassion.No, in the heat of the moment, hiding seems like a better
idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you
are doing it, and sometimes you don't.Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get the upper hand.
It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it
is so transparent. People may not notice the deceit right
away, but after they have had a chance to reflect, the
truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it
is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply
"go polite" and keep their distance. Just as Kevin did with
Melissa.At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings
and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular
self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep up the appearance of
being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the
surface, the fear of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside,
dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your
defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may
think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed
messages. Just as Melissa did.Mixed MessagesThe words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible
carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than the words alone,
the emotion is "louder."Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about
your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed
messages and make others feel as if they are standing on shaky
ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals
to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful,
unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything looks
okay, so why does it feel so bad and where is the danger
really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your
stomach and raises your hackles.Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally
incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are
doing it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who
hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with
themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their
darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to
have "hateful" feelings when you see yourself as a "nice"
person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence,
it can be even more difficult.If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they
judge to be "bad." This leads to acute emotional
incongruence. What can be so crazy making is you can't
feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you
want to be emotionally congruent, you must recognize the
importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions.
Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that
Melissa had some old feelings, of which she was unaware,
triggered by her interaction with Kevin, who then picked
up on the uncomfortable residue and put up his defenses.
It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright – All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and
with the authors' resource information intact.Layne and Paul Cutright are relationship coaches and teachers who have been offering secrets and strategies for successful relationships at home and in business since 1976. They are authors of the best selling book, You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think – Secrets and Strategies for Resolving Any Upset Quickly and Easily. http://www.PaulandLayne.com
Keyword : communication
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